If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
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The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
nobody’s gonna understand
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Saturday
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.