i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
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Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.