i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
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It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!