I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
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The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.