I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
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Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Rt to bother an English speaker
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
At least he brought enough for everyone
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?