Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
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Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
motivation
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.