@JDotComma

I don’t understand women. I also don’t understand how a car works but I still drive it.

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@TheToddWilliams

[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.

@ddsmidt

Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?

Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.

Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.

Me: *death glare*

@Zwolf666

My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.

@Sir_Strange

Women who don’t even acknowledge your existence just want you to try harder.

I recommend hiding naked in her closet with a block of cheese.

@heatherlarson77

Live today like it’s your last.

But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn’t.

@Mom_Overboard

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

@stacywawa1

C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings

@JennnyJennn20

[married convo]

Her: Hey, babe…guess what?

Him: What?

Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.

Him: You need me to do laundry?

@Sassafrantz

The average person has sex 103 times a year and it’s almost March so that means only 103 more to go.

@CopernicusG

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best