@SexySpainNights

I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience

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@fart

adam sandler’s wife is madam sandler

@MeatyPunk

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”

@JustBeingEmma

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.

@man_spach

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

@NewDadNotes

I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

@prufrockluvsong

Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s

Him: SENTENCES

Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you

@KKAlThani

My friend showed up wearing a “Narnia is real” shirt which suits him cause they both aren’t planning to come out of the closet anytime soon.