I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
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*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*