@rzarosco

I dont use one of those unfollower sites like a psycho. I use my handwritten list of followers and crosscheck it daily like a NORMAL PERSON!

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@sofarrsogud

[Advert for hiking]

Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?

@Thelazyemperor

It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.

@gaddy_alex

“you said you were 5 min away”

me: okay, but I never said where I was 5 min away from..

@Ochie2S

Me: *flirting* “So…, Where are you from?”

Girl: “Abroad”

Me: “I also come from a woman”

@CroweJam

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

@mommajessiec

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

@shariv67

Parents tell you their baby’s weight because they have no other information. They can’t say “Meet Jim, a free spirit who’s into yodeling.”

@PivotBitch

“Can we FaceTime?”

Me – No I’m busy

“Doing what?”

Me – Being ugly. Mind your business.

@Karate_Horse

I wish there was a way to musically tell someone to pour sugar on you but there isn’t