[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I dont use one of those unfollower sites like a psycho. I use my handwritten list of followers and crosscheck it daily like a NORMAL PERSON!
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It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
“you said you were 5 min away”
me: okay, but I never said where I was 5 min away from..
Me: *flirting* “So…, Where are you from?”
Me: “I also come from a woman”
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Parents tell you their baby’s weight because they have no other information. They can’t say “Meet Jim, a free spirit who’s into yodeling.”
“Can we FaceTime?”
Me – No I’m busy
Me – Being ugly. Mind your business.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I wish there was a way to musically tell someone to pour sugar on you but there isn’t