[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
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Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*