I dont use one of those unfollower sites like a psycho. I use my handwritten list of followers and crosscheck it daily like a NORMAL PERSON!

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[Advert for hiking]

Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?


It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.


“you said you were 5 min away”

me: okay, but I never said where I was 5 min away from..


Me: *flirting* “So…, Where are you from?”

Girl: “Abroad”

Me: “I also come from a woman”


Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.


Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.


Parents tell you their baby’s weight because they have no other information. They can’t say “Meet Jim, a free spirit who’s into yodeling.”


“Can we FaceTime?”

Me – No I’m busy

“Doing what?”

Me – Being ugly. Mind your business.


I wish there was a way to musically tell someone to pour sugar on you but there isn’t