@clichedout

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

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@dfaber84

My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas

It’s me, I’m the remote start.

@MUMSIEesq

*struts past Walmart with Target grocery bags dangling from arms*
“You made a big mistake. Huge!”

@chrisdowning

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

@Xoolun

The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet.

So I have no switched to mint Oreos.

@ndiquote

[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*

@TheHyyyype

[hs reunion]

JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital

@that1bish27

“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

@JaneBadall

Whoever coined the term Downward Spiral should have made it sound a lot less fun.

@dafloydsta

[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?