@clichedout

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

- @clichedout

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@AnnoGalactic

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

@SemFitty

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

@AnkCoupleTO

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

@FredTaming

me: [donating body to science]

science: [donates my body to goodwill]

@AndyAsAdjective

[staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog

@moutheaters

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

@mommajessiec

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

@abbycohenwl

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird