I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

You Might Also Like


My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas

It’s me, I’m the remote start.


*struts past Walmart with Target grocery bags dangling from arms*
“You made a big mistake. Huge!”


If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.


The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet.

So I have no switched to mint Oreos.


[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*


[hs reunion]

JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital


“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.


Whoever coined the term Downward Spiral should have made it sound a lot less fun.


[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
ME: What?