I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
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When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.