I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
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The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
why no one uses midhusbands
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever