Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Juicedballs

*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*

@drayzze

Distance sucks

Unless you don’t like each other

Then it’s pretty okay

@food_shoes_life

I hate when people decide to come over and I have to put a bra back on.

@Skoog

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

@maymay72x

Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money’s worth…

Just saying.

@CyrusOMerican

Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.

@Sickayduh

As a gift to my girlfriend, Tola, I tattooed her name on myself in the mirror and I think that says alot

@ok_girlfriend

when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans

@rebrafsim

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée