I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

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*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*


Distance sucks

Unless you don’t like each other

Then it’s pretty okay


relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?


Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money’s worth…

Just saying.


As a gift to my girlfriend, Tola, I tattooed her name on myself in the mirror and I think that says alot


when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans


Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée