*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
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Unless you don’t like each other
Then it’s pretty okay
I hate when people decide to come over and I have to put a bra back on.
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money’s worth…
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
As a gift to my girlfriend, Tola, I tattooed her name on myself in the mirror and I think that says alot
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée