I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
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Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.