@poutinesmoothie

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

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@Writepop

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

@AmishPornStar1

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

@AimeeHelene1

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

@not_delicate

Do something that scares you every single day.
And you’ll probably die of a heart attack in a week.

*inspirational

@Stiffster1216

Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you

@fuzzlime

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it

@JennSlowpez

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

@AbleLikes

My new cardio routine is just me frantically tearing apart the living room couch looking for the remote, while I Am Legend plays in the background, and my kids scream “The dog scene us coming up! THE DOG SCENE! MOOOOOM!!!!”

@Eightinchgoat

I always carry a knife hidden in my boot, but it’s just to spread cream cheese on the bagel that’s hidden in my other boot.