I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
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(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
An odd boast
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Well, that should do it
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday