@poutinesmoothie

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

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@Ideal_Victoria

Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

@pixelatedboat

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

@Bob_Janke

Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.

@justliamwilson

So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

@Peauxtassium

Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet

@Matty_Softmitts

I confuse “playing dead” with “playing dumb” so if I ever encounter a bear I’ll probably be like “Listen, I don’t even know how I got here.”

@Izianikapani

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

@canadasandra

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.