I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
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The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
(yawn)
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.