I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
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Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I came this close!!!!
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
my retirement plan is braless
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up