@SamanthaRae49

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

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@tuckerflodman

[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”

@Shanehasabeard

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

@thegayfarmerguy

Cat is hissing at nothing in the kitchen. Based on horror movies I’ve seen nothing good can come of this, but I’m a white guy so I’ll stay.

@hannahhhhxoxo

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

@bourgeoisalien

Human history is so awful, I think I’m just gonna teach my son the timeline of Star Trek off of Wikipedia and call it a day.

@wolfpupy

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

@HenpeckedHal

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

@DurtMcHurtt

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

@WilliamAder

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

@professorkiosk

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.