I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

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[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”


Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*


Cat is hissing at nothing in the kitchen. Based on horror movies I’ve seen nothing good can come of this, but I’m a white guy so I’ll stay.


i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him


Human history is so awful, I think I’m just gonna teach my son the timeline of Star Trek off of Wikipedia and call it a day.


next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom


I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.


My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.


I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.


Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.