When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
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To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?