I don’t wanna brag, but my therapist just told me I’m above her skill level.

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[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”

Actually I am.




I’m technically a serial killer.


[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?


Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.


Him: I love redheads. I could totally see you being a great wife.

Me: I could totally see you being a great chalk outline.


We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’


Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.


I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.