@liv_thatsme

I don’t wanna brag, but my therapist just told me I’m above her skill level.

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@Reverend_Scott

[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”

Actually I am.

“WHAT”

APRIL FOOLS!

“Whew”

I’m technically a serial killer.

@sixfootcandy

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

@CharismaFueled

Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.

@DontTouchMyWine

Him: I love redheads. I could totally see you being a great wife.

Me: I could totally see you being a great chalk outline.

@GensPlace

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

@SteveDutzy

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.

@Shade510

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.