I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
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As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you