@robfee

I don’t want a Hot Pocket. I’d rather have a pocket with a nice sense of humor & a pleasant personality.

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@hoops_Daddy

If it looks like a duck,
Sounds like a cat,
And walks like robot,
You took too many pain killers.

@eff_yeah_steph

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

@BruceForce

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

@juliussharpe

With all the conflicts in the world, the board game Risk has taught me the first thing we should do is invade Australia.

@Shen_the_Bird

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

@JasonIsbell

People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

@SocialustGal13

Nice eyebrows girlfriend. I didn’t know they made Sharpies in that color.

@RunOldMan

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

@SirEvisiae

*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*