Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
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The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”