I don’t want a Hot Pocket. I’d rather have a pocket with a nice sense of humor & a pleasant personality.

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If it looks like a duck,
Sounds like a cat,
And walks like robot,
You took too many pain killers.


Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one


Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.


With all the conflicts in the world, the board game Risk has taught me the first thing we should do is invade Australia.


sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song


People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.


Nice eyebrows girlfriend. I didn’t know they made Sharpies in that color.


I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.


*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*