INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
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I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.