“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
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Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I would like even faster food.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman