I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
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when dads have a rap battle
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.