@imdaintyaf

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

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@dhumann

[speed dating]

Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”

Her: “Face…”

Me: “Have a nice life.”

@WilliamAder

Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”

@Jamberee13

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

@TheMichaelRock

Whenever you’re feeling down and out, just remember that there’s people walking around with Twilight tattoos.

@Parkerlawyer

I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!

@RedRegenerated

OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?

ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.

@Bob_Janke

Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight

@3sunzzz

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.