I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
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Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Whenever you’re feeling down and out, just remember that there’s people walking around with Twilight tattoos.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.