I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
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I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…