I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
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When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also