I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
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If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.