[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
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I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
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When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one