I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
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If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
the only organized thing in my life is crime
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
incredible
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
.. do you even science?
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point