I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
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Investing in beetcoin
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”