I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
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“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents