I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.

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Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.


Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.


[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look


Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.


One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.


[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??


“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect


5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.

Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.


What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.

What I heard: Weight loss.

*doubles dosage*