I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.

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*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*


The upside to having kids is how you’re able to use them as an excuse to cancel unwanted plans


It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”


If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.


Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.

Guess that’s the cost of inflation.


Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?



[ during job interview ]

– “Why do you think you would make a good asset to our team?”

– “I give up, why?”


Wild horses could easily drag me away from anything, even from my favorite activity. Wild horses are super crazy strong.


doctor: and are u sexually active

puppet: he is not

doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth

me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not