I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

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He’d probably stop sending me “good morning, beautiful” texts if he saw how many chins pop out when I look down to read it.


A colon can dramatically change the meaning of a sentence. Example:
I ate Julie’s sandwich.
I ate Julie’s colon.


Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.

Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.


My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.


In the very first line of the song, Pitbull claims he works very hard. He then rhymes “Kodak” with “Kodak.”


last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window


My daughter is refusing to eat anything but nachos. And I’m a good mom and will give her what she wants:

Nacho phone
Nacho allowance
Nacho ride to your friend’s house


so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha


[First day as a Doctor]

Me: Unfortunately, my first patient passed away today. It’s a harsh reality that we doctors have to face.
Patient: But… you’re a chiropractor…


I am sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist !