@roxiqt

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

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@Sassafrantz

He’d probably stop sending me “good morning, beautiful” texts if he saw how many chins pop out when I look down to read it.

@MyselfStalking

A colon can dramatically change the meaning of a sentence. Example:
I ate Julie’s sandwich.
I ate Julie’s colon.

@mommajessiec

Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.

Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.

@Social_Mime

My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.

@porters

In the very first line of the song, Pitbull claims he works very hard. He then rhymes “Kodak” with “Kodak.”

@fuzzlime

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

@Divergentmama

My daughter is refusing to eat anything but nachos. And I’m a good mom and will give her what she wants:

Nacho phone
Nacho allowance
Nacho ride to your friend’s house

@perfectsweeties

so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha

@drinksmcgee

[First day as a Doctor]

Me: Unfortunately, my first patient passed away today. It’s a harsh reality that we doctors have to face.
Patient: But… you’re a chiropractor…

@iGreenMonk

I am sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist !