I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

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“Get me another beer, boy”
“Dad I’m an adult. My name’s Bobby”
“It’s time you knew the truth boy. The 2nd & 3rd B’s in your name are silent”


The movie Noah would be more entertaining if it was combined with Sharknado.


woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk


My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity

Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house


[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one


AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving

ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea


Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.


me:(nervously) so I gotta fight one of these things?
zookeeper: what? no
me: I choose…the polar bear
zookeeper: why would you choose that