I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
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I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
that wasn’t the question
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.