I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
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Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.