I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
The Struggle