@Dr_awfulpants

I don’t want to criticize but whoever named them brownies wasn’t trying very hard.

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@captainolya

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

@Shade510

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

@AbbieEvansXO

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

@Phook75

My five year old asked me to hold her cupcake and I think we all know how that went

@TheBoydP

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

@notalogin

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

@TheCatWhisprer

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

@fro_vo

ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho

@JB4Realz

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.