the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I don’t want to criticize but whoever named them brownies wasn’t trying very hard.
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Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
My five year old asked me to hold her cupcake and I think we all know how that went
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
GOD: Make them imperfect…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.