@Dr_awfulpants

I don’t want to criticize but whoever named them brownies wasn’t trying very hard.

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@HeyoShellz

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

@UrbanDouchebag

I’m going to hire a Priest, a Doctor and a Rabbi to walk into a bar together just to see WTF happens. Backup Plan: I’ll also bring a horse.

@MNateShyamalan

me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

@WigCannon

What if the missing plane is still up there?
“What?”
Did you check the sky?
“No.”
See, this is why you’ll never advance, Kevin.

@Reverend_Scott

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

@Marcmywords2

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

@C00LpenNAME

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

@momtransparent1

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.