I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
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[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
I love you…
…r dog.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
What
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right