I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
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People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Feel. He’s so soft.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
My circle of trust is a meatball
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.