We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
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im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.