I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
You Might Also Like
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.