I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.

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The theme from Jaws plays eerily in the distance, only to reveal me approaching an open bar at a wedding.


71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.


fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce


[first date]

Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?

Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally


[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm


You may have the last laugh now, but we’ll continue this discussion later when Im alone in my car pretending to be a stupider version of you


Lady Astronaut: *eats all the chocolate*

Guy Astronaut: You know we’re on the space shuttle for-