I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
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8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I’m being attacked 😭
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees