I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
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BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov