I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
You Might Also Like
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt