@murfer28

I don’t want to lock my account because I like to help my X’s feel better about themselves when they check in & make sure I’m still a drunk.

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@iwearaonesie

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

@fro_vo

Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news

Leonardo: what’s the good news

Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers

Raphael: what’s the bad news

Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole

@govindajeggy

The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.

@robyn_vo

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

@Odiegirl9

Instead of condoms I keep moist towelettes in my purse because I am more apt to have buffalo wings instead of sex!

@citizenkawala

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

@Book_Krazy

Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!

Me: I know

Hub: Pass the foot powder.

~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again