One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
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*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.