*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I don’t want to lock my account because I like to help my X’s feel better about themselves when they check in & make sure I’m still a drunk.
You Might Also Like
You have been warned.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Instead of condoms I keep moist towelettes in my purse because I am more apt to have buffalo wings instead of sex!
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?