“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

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If you’re ever in a room where a doll should happen to come to life it would be prudent to leave that room


I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:



Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church


Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it


Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.



INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real cat person.

ME: *slowly pushes paperwork off desk*

INTERVIEWER: holy shit


The secret of a long marriage is accepting the utter euphoria you would feel from strangling your spouse to death isn’t worth life in jail.


I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.


me: one coffee please
barista: one coffee, got it. and how do you take it?
me: *suddenly nervous in the face of such a simple question * w-with my hands


Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy