“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
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I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.