@TheDeadfishSays

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

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@Phook75

If you’re ever in a room where a doll should happen to come to life it would be prudent to leave that room

@better_off_dad

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

@ohmygrapeness

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

@KazHiraiCEO

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

@loribuckmajor

Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

@CodyJP9412

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real cat person.

ME: *slowly pushes paperwork off desk*

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

@PabloGSerski

The secret of a long marriage is accepting the utter euphoria you would feel from strangling your spouse to death isn’t worth life in jail.

@1Happytwit

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

@captainkalvis

me: one coffee please
barista: one coffee, got it. and how do you take it?
me: *suddenly nervous in the face of such a simple question * w-with my hands

@_elvishpresley_

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy