I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
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Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
how to exercise your calf muscles
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…