I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
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Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this