I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
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I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.