I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
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There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet