“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
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“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined