@Sassafrantz: I don't want to seem desperate after a date so I usually text him 10 years later when he has a wife and kids.
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@abbycohenwl: I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I'm in there
@Mr_Kapowski: Wife: How was your day? Me: *kicks ball, ball rolls and tips water bottle into glass, weight of full glass releases ziplining GI Joe to push marble, marble rolls off weight tying balloon down to unveil banner reading “I ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING TODAY”*
@AtticusFinch79: FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I'm in the best shape since high school ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah *two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch* ME: ive never felt better in my life
@StevieKnip: Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex's hometown, buy her a puppy