@Sassafrantz

I don’t want to seem desperate after a date so I usually text him 10 years later when he has a wife and kids.

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@Death_Buddy

rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight

@david8hughes

[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.

@goldengateblond

what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business

@BuckyIsotope

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?

@daemonic3

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

@wittwitbarista

Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”

@E_lok44

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

@evanwilliams

RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: You know what your website needs?

RESTAURANT OWNER: A clear way to contact us and reserve a table?

RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: A 3,000 word ‘our philosophy’ section.

RESTAURANT OWNER: (nodding) Let’s not even put our phone number on the website.