Keep your friends close and your asthma inhaler closer.
I don’t want to seem desperate after a date so I usually text him 10 years later when he has a wife and kids.
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
5 year plan?
I havent even planned this sentence volcano.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: You know what your website needs?
RESTAURANT OWNER: A clear way to contact us and reserve a table?
RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: A 3,000 word ‘our philosophy’ section.
RESTAURANT OWNER: (nodding) Let’s not even put our phone number on the website.