Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
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Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.