It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
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*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
One of the worst things about tweeting while driving is all of the people that seem to appear out of nowhere on the sidewalk.
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.